Lockdown

I've been put under house arrest. No funny business here. Any purging, any substantial hiding of food will result in hospitalization. I feel like I've been thrown into a box. I feel so stupid for being such a burden to my parents. My disorder forces them to watch me at all times. After breakfast, I tried to throw up again, this time into a big ziploc bag. My, dad, luckily, caught me before I could do it. Before any of this, I was independent in nature, I never liked my parents to do much for me. But now, I can't even help myself anymore. I still find myself vehemently resisting food in whatever small way I can. Today at lunch, I was just fine having a normal sized sandwich and some milk for lunch. Then my mom decides that my sandwich was not sufficient for a starving child, and proceeded to put 2 more slices of turkey and cheese into it. In another retaliation, I was lowered to spitting my sandwich down my shirt. I didn't get out of eating any substantial amount of food by doing this, but it feels like a coping mechanism to me really. By feeding this manifestation of the disorder, I can think. This illustrates that I am still dependent on the disorder and that it is still a deep rooted part of me. But right now, the front line of this battle is now turned to eradicating my new compulsion to purge. Sitting at home with nothing to do, ED takes over my head, so doing this is made much more difficult. I'm determined not to throw up, and despite what the disorder says, resisting is the stronger thing to do. What perplexes me about my disorder is that I have no shame when it comes to the means of getting out of eating some amount of food. When I cheat, I feel good and I can be happy, but when I follow the rules I am rewarded with a cloud over my thoughts and a distinct irritability. My physical fullness is also a block in my ability to eat what is put in front of me. I know I'm supposed to be a starving child, but I wish my parents could understand I really do just feel sick from all the food they are giving me sometimes. But whenever I say that, they call BS and say that is an illusion caused by the disorder. It frustrates and confuses me, and I feel like I can't talk as myself directly to my parents, to them I am a shifty and two faced being. I wonder if in my starvation induced delusion that really is what I look like to everyone and I just don't see it. Whatever the case, I hope that the day comes soon when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I feel like I am doing this blindly without purpose otherwise. For dinner tonight, my dad's "treat" was in-n-out. I nearly had a panic attack driving him there, just thinking about how much he was about to make me eat. We got it to go in the drive thru and brought it home. On the way into the house, I lagged behind purposefully and poured out a good amount of my vanilla shake. He didn't notice. I ate all of my burger without complaining, but I hid many of my fries up my sleeve. In drinking my shake, I spit much of it out by pretending to wipe my mouth with a napkin and spitting the shake into it. This worked for a while till my dad caught wind of it. He made me drink the small amount that remained of the shake, but not before it could spit it down my shirt again.I swear, if I could make it through a full 3 meals without doing any sort of food jettisoning, I'd be so much better off. I apologize to my reader for not following the guidelines I set out in the beginning of this blog, but that is simply not the nature of this illness. To eat as little as possible of what my parents give me is ED's objective, and unfortunately he is doing too good of a job. Tomorrow I am going to be tougher on myself to not do that and make sure my parents are vigilant in preventing me from doing so.