Normalcy

Today I felt surprisingly normal while eating all of my meals. No panic attacks, no remorse or irritability. The only thing I felt was the impulse to purge, and I almost got away with it too a few times. After a soup and sandwich lunch, I slipped down to the garage and made to vomit. Luckily just as I was about to gag, my dad pulled up in front of our house, then proceeded to call me and ask where I was and if I wanted to go help him pick out some plants for our garden. I went with him and it took my mind off of food right away. It is peculiar that I can feel absolutely normal and then just when I'm left alone for a second I cross myself and try to throw up everything I just ate. My mom might let me go back to school tomorrow. I hope she does let me. I don't think I can stand to miss another day. I feel grossly behind already just from missing one day. As long as I don't purge I think I ought to be allowed to go. It distracts me from fretting about food and is the only thing I have right now that gives me a boost to my confidence. I'm noticing its easier and easier to crack a smile now. I haven't been able to do so in months and I must say I'd forgotten the feeling, but it really does feel good to take joy in simple things. I doubt less and less every day that food is medicine. I find it interesting that ones whole being can be altered by a change in diet, and that likewise that the only cure for this is by essentially eating the food that was neglected before. It makes so much sense and I hope to see things in this rationale when ED tries to tell me otherwise