Uppercut

Today I found new strength to fight ED and dealt a major blow. The hiding, spitting out, and purging of food are all manifestations of the disorder that strengthen it through their continued occurrence at meals, They are an out for the disorder, a way for it to manifest itself. I put aside all pretenses and anxieties today, and pretended like I was a normal person eating. Of course, in my head, ED was screaming. It killed him to have no way of manifesting himself. Indeed, after every meal terrible thoughts buzzed about in my head and sent me into panic attacks. What made it worth it for just a bit was upon their subsiding. For a moment, I saw with a new clarity, and was free from ED's grasp. It gave all my struggles a new relevance. I know now what I am fighting to achieve. Normalcy is within my grasp. I can't wait to go through my days without having to follow a strict calorie regimen and without having to worry any longer about what I eat. The toil of fighting against this evil presence I can feel is hardening me, making me a stronger person. By the end of this, I will have an iron resolve. So much that I once considered difficult will become easy. Unfortunately this experience is taking its toll on my relationship with my parents. I feel like such a terrible burden to them, and I know they have grown weary with me. They are more callous towards every bit of resistance I put up. This serves as an even greater incentive for me to follow orders. I really just want them to be happy with me, and I understand that my resistance stresses them out more than they need. I want to get through this so they no longer have to feed me every single meal painstakingly bite by bite. I hate to be a liability and I just hope my dad especially understands that I'm trying my hardest to make this end quickly. Hopefully if I can continue my methodology that I used today I can kick this in weeks as opposed to months